just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
