it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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