8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
