just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
