Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
