He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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