I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't make out with my wife yet
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm both gender and math confused
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
