I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
