it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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