I'm pants shitting drunk right now
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
