We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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