at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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