And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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