woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
