Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
