I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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