He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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