I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
