I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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