So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you still have your period?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
