she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
