Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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