Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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