it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
