All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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