He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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