friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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