JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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