He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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