Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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