pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Its about making memories worth repressing
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
