can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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