Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
