did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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