I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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