exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize