I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
