I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
