Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
