he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
