got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
