I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
