i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize