Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize