hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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