oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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