my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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