idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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