Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sext me about skeletons
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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