I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
