I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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