I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
