just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
