i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
