my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
farters have to be the big spoon...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
