i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
