and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
