your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
