I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
