forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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